Group Therapy

A GROUP THERAPY SESSION FROM

THE WILBUR MILLS CENTER

FOR

SENSITIVITY TRAINING

Characters: Bill Clinton, Larry Craig, John Edwards, Gary Hart, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Eliot Spitzer, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Anthony Weiner. 

Narrator: As you may know politicians, servants of the people, occasionally become too friendly with some of the people they represent leading to scandal and public humiliation. What you may not be aware of is that there is help for these public officials at the Wilbur Mills Center for Sensitivity Training named after former Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee Wilbur Mills from Arkansas who was discovered intoxicated in his car with Fanne Foxe a stripper from Argentina and subsequently fell from grace with the public. Due to his remarkable therapy program Mr. Mills was re-elected to congress with over 60% of the vote in his district. The center has been a well-kept secret until Audacious Airwaves uncovered its location from Homeland Security on the condition that the Center’s location remain secret since so many of our leading public officials have attended and continue to attend therapy sessions there. We can tell you it is not located in The White House or anywhere within the boundaries of Washington DC. Besides that for security reasons the Center is moved periodically to various “safe” locations in neighborhoods all over the US like a kind of like a moveable feast of reformation. Don’t be surprised if you see a parade of black limos in your neighborhood and some familiar looking faces stepping out of them. 

A note of caution: don’t appear paranoid or suspicious as you glance over your shoulder at these former darlings of politics. Gawkers can sometimes be mistaken for terrorists and sent, by mistake of course, to an undisclosed location to return months later with no recollection of where they were or how they got home. The best thing to do is stay inside, lock your doors, and watch sitcoms until the limos leave.

Today, thanks to one of our fearless investigative reporters who managed to get this recording to us before he disappeared, Audacious Airwaves has in its possession a secret recording of a group therapy session with some of our country’s most well-known politicians who, because of lack of sensitivity coupled with huge sexual appetites have come under public scrutiny and fallen from favor with the people.

Let’s listen…

[Sounds of talking}

Gary Hart: [Clears his throat several times.] You may not remember me but I was once a Senator and leading presidential candidate. My name is Gary Hart. Due to my insensitivity and my “Monkey Business” I was humiliated and withdrew from politics. Thankfully I learned of the Wilbur Mills Center for Sensitivity Training and after many hours of work have been rehabilitated. I even considered running for President again in 2003 but decided the sensitive thing to do was to throw my support to John Kerry who is a sensitive guy like me. Me now that is. I have been selected to by our board, who shall remain anonymous, to lead this group therapy session.

Let’s start by taking attendance. I’ll call out your names in alphabetical order: Bill Clinton!?

Bill Clinton:  I am not here. Isn’t here really there without the “t”?

Hart: Yes Bill that’s very good. You always had good spin. But it is the case that you are sitting in this room in a chair for sensitivity training isn’t it?

Bill Clinton: That depends on what your definition of “is” is.

Hart: OK Bill. I understand. It’s hard to quit obfuscating the truth. We’ll get to that later. We’re all here because our reputations have been stained (oops! Sorry Bill) by scandal. This group will help all of us become more sensitive to the public and ourselves and help us get back on our feet.

Larry Craig!?

Arnold Schwartzenegger: I saw him go to da men’s room.

Hart: Do me a favor Arnold could you go get him and bring him in here?

Schwartzenegger: I’ll be back!

Hart: Thanks Arnold. John Edwards!?

John Edwards: Here! Here! I wasn’t there and I didn’t do it.

Hart: We’ll get to that later. Arnold Schwartzenegger!? We know you’re here.

Schwarzenegger: Ya! 

Hart: Eliot Spitzer!?

Eliot Spitzer: Can we hurry this up? I have to tape my TV show in an hour.

Hart: OK Eliot. Don’t worry we’ll have you out in time. Anthony Weiner!?

Anthony Weiner: [crying] Here… oh I’m so ashamed…

Schwartzenegger: Stop crying you girlie man!

Hart: Please Arnold we trying to create a supportive atmosphere here. As all of you know we are here because we all made missteps while in public office. It is our goal to get you out of the public eye and rehabilitated. After a while no one will remember who you are or what you did. You have to give it some time, judging by the attention span of the American people that should be about 2 weeks.

[Laughter. Word of agreement.]

[Door opening and closing sound]

Hart: Glad to see you could make it Larry.

Larry Craig: I didn’t make it. It was a misunderstanding. I always say hello to the guy in the next stall by waving my hand underneath the divider. I’m just a friendly guy…

Hart: That’s OK Larry. One of the rules here is that you don’t have to explain. We kind of follow the don’t ask, don’t tell policy.

Clinton: I invented that!

Hart: Yes Bill. I must say that was a stroke of genius. 

Spitzer: I wonder if we could apply that policy to all public officials especially heterosexuals in public office?

Hart: That’s not a bad idea Eliot.

Spitzer: I’ll get my staff at CNN to look into it. After all rules should be applied evenly to everyone.

[More sounds of agreement]

Hart: All right, all right. Calm down everyone. We’re here to help you get out of the public eye so you can come back in the future better, stronger, faster.

Edwards: Sounds like the “Six Million Dollar Man” meets “Back to the Future”. I want to repeat here that I did not use campaign funds to…

Hart: [cuts him off] Ok John, we’re not here about that. Everyone just get a grip. If you keep a low profile long enough all the negativity will go away and the public will only remember the good times. Then you can get back into the good life and go on your merry way. Look at me! Most people don’t even remember who I am!

Craig: Yes who are you?

Hart: I am in charge here!

Clinton: I thought that was Alexander Haig!

[laughter from all]

Hart: He’s dead! Stop fooling around Bill. 

Clinton: Oh a little fooling around won’t hurt anything.

[Laughter and sounds of agreement]

Hart: Ok, Ok. Let’s get down to business. What are any of you doing to rehabilitate yourselves?

Schwartzenegger: I’m making another movie where I’m a good guy and a hero.

Hart: That’s great Arnold! People will remember the movie instead of all that TV news. Film has much more impact than TV. How does that make you feel?

Schwarzenegger: I feel strong, powerful and hard.

Craig: That sounds real good…

Edwards: Yes there’s so much sex and violence on TV. My girlfriend can’t tell the difference between the news and the newest reality show. 

Hart: TV news is the newest reality show! Don’t sweat it John. Just steer the course.. We have to keep making tough decisions...

Craig: I think George W. already said that.

Hart: We’re not talking about him… yet. 

Spitzer:  You mean George W. came through this clinic? I’ve never heard of him involved in a sex scandal.

Hart: That’s right and you never will. George received his sensitivity training from The Wilbur Mills Center early on. He knows how to stay out of trouble. Look how sensitive he is! He’s even massaged that horribly unattractive woman’s neck at a summit meeting. How much more sensitive can you get?

Weiner: She didn’t look like she enjoyed it very much.

Hart: That’s just a cover.

Schwarzenegger: Ya. Dey all love to be touched by strong, powerful men.

Craig: That’s sound good to me.

[Siren sounds in the distance]

All: What’s that!?

Hart: Anthony what are have you been doing?

Weiner: I just tweeted everyone on my followers list to let them know I how sorry I am and how I’ve reformed… that I’m in group therapy with all of you… [begins to cry]

Schwarzenegger:[sneering] Girlie Man!

[knock at the door]

Hart: Who is it?

Dominique Strauss-Kahn: [French accent] Bonjour mes amis! I am here!

Clinton: It’s that guy from the IMF. Weiner you idiot! You told everyone about this now he’s here.

Edwards: I thought this group was only for Americans!

[More door knocking]

Spitzer: Arnold’s not American!

Schwarzenegger: Ya I am a naturalized citizen. I love Freedom Fries.

Spitzer: That doesn’t count!

Schwarzenegger: Why don’t we step outside you puny girlie man… We’ll find out what counts.

Hart: Now gentlemen. We don’t have time for that now…

Straus-Kahn: Mes Amis ovrez la porte si’l vous plait. I must escape. Les gendarmes are coming after me.

Edwards: Weiner you’ve compromised the whole setup.

Weiner: [crying] I’m so sorry….

Hart: Don’t open the door. We’ll go out the back way. You’ll all be contacted later secretly about our next meeting.

[more door knocking. sirens getting louder]

Spitzer: I move we expel Weiner! He’s an idiot!

Weiner: Well at least I didn’t pay for sex with tax money. Oh.. this is awful. What are we going to do?

Edwards: If I get in more trouble because of you Weiner, I’ll sue!

Hart: Let’s table that for now Eliiot. We have to get out of here. What if all this gets out. It’ll take at least six months for the public to forget. 

[murmurs of agreement]

[louder knocking]

Strauss-Kahn: Monsiuers I have all ze monay. I can help. You must let me in.

Hart: I declare this meeting adjourned. If anyone one asks none of us were ever here, we didn’t do it, and we’re very sorry.

Weiner: [still crying] yes, yes.

All: We’ll be back!